VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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