two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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