Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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