just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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