Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
