we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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