You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
