things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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