And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
