I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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