Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
