Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
