Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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