After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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