I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
