the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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