Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
