i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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