No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
