my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
im on a boat
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