why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
As shirtless as possible
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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