I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
