I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
