It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
