i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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