are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
