i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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