she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
