He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
