We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
