I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
