Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
