He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
