2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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