I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
porn star boner night. come get it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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