Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Randomize
