looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
