Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
