There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
What a dumb baby whore.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
