got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
