Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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