She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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