Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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