I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
