So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Randomize
