I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
