Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just saw a hot homeless man
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
