Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
