blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
