Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
