i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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